How could I ever find the words to articulate your beauty, your strength or your perseverance? Are there really any words to express how much you meant to me? It’s awfully difficult to write this letter. It’s only but a reminder of my reality; you are no longer here. Nevertheless, I’ll do my best.
When I think about you I reflect on you being such a fierce woman of God. You took changes. You faced your fears with grace and power. You were beautiful both inside and out. You shined so effortlessly wherever you went. You were real. You were honest. You were compassionate. You also didn’t take any foolishness. You taught me to be confident and bold. You taught me how to stand up for myself. And to accept me just for who I am. You were a selfless mother. You gave your very best to me and my brothers. You covered us in prayer and in love. You encouraged us to be all we could be. You believed in us. You taught us how to fight. You taught us how to forgive. You taught us how to love. I learned so much just by simply watching you. You showed me how to be a nurturer. You showed me how to serve. You showed me how to make magic in the kitchen. Most of all you showed me how to have a heart of worship. You also taught me how to be a wife. You were my father's best friend. You loved all of him. You accepted him. You honored him. You also covered him in prayer. You two were partners, lovers and friends. I valued your union so much more than #goals. Naturally, you were a remarkable teacher. Your students -your Bright Stars- adored you. They respected you. Parents desired you to be their child(ren)’s 1st grade teacher. Little did they know how much you saturated your classroom with prayer. I remember wondering why as I watched you anoint your classroom. I’m so grateful you took the time to explain your reasons. You were covering yourself and our family but also the families of those who entered your room. You were a wise woman. You were a seed planter. I admire how you helped nurture the minds of young children, and even their beliefs.
I admired you!
Furthermore, you were a skillful warrior. You understood how to fight according to 1 Corinthians 10:4. You weren’t an aggressive woman. You allowed God to fight your battles. You believe life and death are in the power of your tongue. And although you weren’t afraid to respectfully speak your mind, you chose to speak the truth in love. Even in your own pain, you still pushed your way through. I truly saw God’s power -His strength- in your weakness. You believed in God; His might, His love, and all that He is! I know your life intimidate the enemy. From conception, your life was designed to destroy you but God! He had bigger and better plans for you. Eventually when your physical strength began to deteriorate, but your spiritual strength held you plus our family together. I can’t remember a time I ever saw you defeated. (Even through death, you were not defeated. You live in a place I only dream about in hopes to join you one day - not too soon though.) I know you had hard days. I know you had your weak moments. However, you rarely expressed those thoughts, at least not in front of your children. I only remember your fight, your push and your determination. Your family fueled you to continue on. You were a chain breaker. You intentionally broke generational curses. I'm grateful you taught me how to as well. You birthed three children into this world. And we are your arrows. We’ve been sent out on various assignments to conquer more than you could alone. You became the sacrificial lamb for our family. We are forever covered and protected and so will be the many generations to come. It’s truly amazing how you are still touching lives even in your physical absence.
Oh!! But then there’s the heaviness of losing you. Geesh. Only someone who has carried this kind of cross understands the statement - Mom, I so desperately need you. You prepared me for many things in this world but your transition was not one of them. It shook my world. It broke my heart. I was suffocating unable to breathe. I didn't want to continue my own life. I no longer wanted to try. I wanted to give up. I couldn’t believe you were gone. I didn’t want to accept my painful reality. However, when I think on who you were I know you would never, I mean never ever give up. You literally fought until your very last breath. I know in my lowest moments you would’ve reminded me who I am. You’d look at me and say “Lex, you are more than a conquer!” Although I was in a such dark stage of my life during this time your prayers still covered me. Somehow God showed me His light in the midst of my darkness. For some reason He reminded me of His love. Then He called my name which changed my life forever.
At this stage of my life I often wonder what advice you'd give me. I often wonder how you would encourage me. I wonder how you’d handle certain situations. I can only pray you’ll leave little nuggets and signs for me to pick up on as time goes on. Watching you made it clear to me how I must live, fight, love and give. My life is not my own. I must live for Christ. I must fight for my husband, my children and my children’s children. I must continue on for my family, friends and my community even when I don’t want to. We all have a cross to bear. I’ve accepted mine. No matter how heavy my cross may be, I am reminded of those who have gone before me; you and Jesus, himself. I can hear you saying “If God be for me who can be against me?” You’ve left me with wisdom and strength. You left me knowing I would find my way. You left me knowing God would direct my path. You left this world knowing your family would be okay. Please know that I miss our talks and our girls day. I miss your smile, your laughs and your hugs. MOMmy, I really miss you! You are the strongest person I've ever known. You are my SHERO. I’m so grateful you live within me. I am truly blessed to call you MOMmy, my mom! Now that I have a daughter I am reminded of you and I. Our unbreakable bond. I look forward to recreating a mother/daughter relationship with her. I look forward to introducing you to her. May she see herself in you. May she fall in love with her Grandma Tee. May she know God and hear His voice. May she answer His call. May she be fearless and remain joyful throughout her life. Continue to watch over her and the rest of your future grandchildren. May your memory live on.
I love you with all my heart! XO
Lex
